A Visit

My mom visited this weekend after not seeing her for a while and although I was nervous at first it ended up being a successful fun weekend. We haven't exactly been on good terms lately because she is a recovering alcoholic but she seems to be trying everyday so I knew I should see her and truth be told I wanted to. Even after all she's put me through she was still my best friend and she's still my mother and I miss her, I miss who she was when we talked everyday. I just miss her. I know she loves my brother and I but why can't she just get it together already? She's a mother, when you have kids you don't matter anymore, the kids do, you do everything for them. Also why does it have to hurt so bad still? I'm 23 years old and she hasn't been around for about 6 years or longer and I still can't seem to forget about her and just accept that maybe she won't get better. I still have a glimmer of hope that I probably shouldn't have but I do, maybe it's because of how close we were, maybe it's because she's my mom but I just want her back. I like to believe that she's changing and working towards becoming a better person, the mother she was when I was a child but if I let myself believe that then I'm scared that I'd just get hurt again. How many times can I let myself go through that again after all these years? She used to be the person I'd go to for everything and now I hardly talk to her every couple of weeks. I have to learn to let go and let her be in charge of her own life, she's 51 years old and she's the parent so I need to let her do this and focus on myself. I can't let her life take over my own life anymore, I have to focus on me. I just wonder if it'll ever be the same.