A Visit

My mom visited this weekend after not seeing her for a while and although I was nervous at first it ended up being a successful fun weekend. We haven't exactly been on good terms lately because she is a recovering alcoholic but she seems to be trying everyday so I knew I should see her and truth be told I wanted to. Even after all she's put me through she was still my best friend and she's still my mother and I miss her, I miss who she was when we talked everyday. I just miss her. I know she loves my brother and I but why can't she just get it together already? She's a mother, when you have kids you don't matter anymore, the kids do, you do everything for them. Also why does it have to hurt so bad still? I'm 23 years old and she hasn't been around for about 6 years or longer and I still can't seem to forget about her and just accept that maybe she won't get better. I still have a glimmer of hope that I probably shouldn't have but I do, maybe it's because of how close we were, maybe it's because she's my mom but I just want her back. I like to believe that she's changing and working towards becoming a better person, the mother she was when I was a child but if I let myself believe that then I'm scared that I'd just get hurt again. How many times can I let myself go through that again after all these years? She used to be the person I'd go to for everything and now I hardly talk to her every couple of weeks. I have to learn to let go and let her be in charge of her own life, she's 51 years old and she's the parent so I need to let her do this and focus on myself. I can't let her life take over my own life anymore, I have to focus on me. I just wonder if it'll ever be the same.

People

Sometimes the human race baffles me. If there are two things I can't stand it's flakes and liars, I think there is a difference between tiny white lies and full blown elaborate ones but all in all honesty is always the way to go. Especially when the lie is about something so minute that it would've been way better to just tell the truth in the first place. Its even worse when the lie gets out and someone gets pissed or worse, hurt. I can't control what other people say or do, and sometimes I just have to back off and realize that some people aren't worth fighting for anyway. Sometimes its best to just let go then to get so angry and fight so hard for something that isn't even there.

I'm BAAAAACK

Yes it's true, I am back to blogging! I was gone for a loooooong time but that's because of a few silly reasons; I forgot how to log in to my blog, I've been extremely busy, and well I'm kinda lazy. Hopefully now that I've learned how to re open my blog I will be writing more often.

A few exciting things are happening, I am moving in with my boyfriend of 19 months on July 1st, I've never lived with a boy before, eek! I can't wait though, I know it'll take a lot of readjusting but I'm also extremely excited to see how our relationship grows. My current roommate is moving to San Francisco, and while I will miss her dearly, I am so so so so very excited for her and to see where this takes her in life. She is one of the most independent strong people I know and I am so blessed to have her as a best friend. Plus now I have somewhere to stay when I go to that kickass city. :)

I also start my last semester of undergrad in December and will graduate around December 17th, I can't believe college is ending! What do I do when I don't go to school anymore?! Find a REAL job? No way! I am torn with emotions because I am excited and scared all at the same time. I will have to go through the credential program so I won't completely be done but pretty damn close. I can't imagine having my own class to teach and to be mine! I am extremely thrilled to finally being closer to my dream but also petrified of failing. Luckily I come from a family of teachers who can help me with my questions and starting a classroom.

My brother who works with me as a host is now moving up to server which is pretty neat, he's been there for about a year 9 months so this is definitely due. I get to train him which is pretty exciting for me, I am glad he can move up and show them his skills as a server because he did so well as a host. It's weird to watch your younger sibling grow up, he's going to be 20 in August and I can't see him as anything other than a shy thumb sucking 4 year old.

I think that is all my exciting news for now, I have 50 things to do today and haven't even brushed my teeth yet, yikes! Have a great day!